Im doing awesome. I havent cheated once!

Weigh in tomorrow…

I had eggs/whites/cheese for breakfast. A salad from a salad bar, so just lettuce, some green peppers, 2 hard boiled eggs for protein because their meat is GROSS, and some cheese. I used half a packet of balsamic vinagrette dressing… only 45 cals! Annnnd dinner was some italian chicken. Two carbs? Maybe 3… No green tea today! Ill be getting some tomorrow though for sure because I found my Stevia!!! YAY!

Thats all for tonight. Im EXHAUSTED!!!

I dont care how I get to the low weight. I just need to get there. I am starting a serious gym attack tomorrow. Morning, afternoon, and nights, for 3 weeks. Then I will have to rearrange my schedule a bit and see what I can do. I will also be doing a refined version of Atkins. Of all the fads I ever did, that one worked the best. Eggs/whites [140 cals for eggs, 70 for whites] with a slice of American [70 to 80 cals] for breakfast and some turkey bacon [35 to 70 cals]. Lunch will be a salad with some sort of meat [120 for dressing, 100 to 200 for meat]. And dinner; fish and a green veggie [fish 100 to 200, veg no more than 60]. Thats it! I am DONE! I have lost so much time and I dont need to be a fat ass anymore!!! [High end of cals will be: 940. I already know I will be super full too.]

If I can hit 150, I would be AMAZED!!! I havent been 150 since 7th grade…

Please no negative comments. I am doing this. I dont care of any consequences anymore. As far as Im concerned, Im more of a health hazard being this fat anyway… DONE!!! DONE DONE DONE being fat!!!

Im down a lbs from my last lowest weight. So that means Ive taken off the TOM weight, water weight, nasty food consumption weight, etc. Best part? I still have TOM! I will never use the excuse of TOM again. If I can LOSE while on it? There is no reason I cant do this right and get down to those damn 160’s. If I make 160 my ultimate goal weight, I can get my surgery and feel good about myself finally. I dont care if Im a size 2 or 8… If I look good, feel good, and am healthy? Thats all that matters… I just want to feel good about myself for once. I want to wear a dress or some cute clothes without having to use any binding underneath shit. I want to be able to go to a mall, without an anxiety attack because I fear no stores will carry clothes that will fit me. I want to shop like a normal person.

Ive been researching plastic surgeons. I dont think Ill be using the one I had a consultation with in Boston. He made me feel like shit about myself. NO THANKS! I know what kind of results to expect. I dont expect to come out looking like a super model. Ill probably still have some of my stretch marks from when I was pregnant. Ill most likely have a gross scar. But it will be an improved version of myself. Which is all I want. Im sooo nervous though to go under. I need 2 or 3 different surgeries. Well, I dont NEED them, but I would like them as the final transition into my new self. I dont know how its going to work though money wise, or if I have to break up the surgeries. Oh man… Its making me too anxious. But I know if I dont get them done, I will never know what kind of happiness a nicer body would bring me. How sad… I hate society. I hate that I got so fucking fat in the first place. I know my mom did an amazing job raising me and my sister on her own, but why didnt she help this? Maybe it was just my fault? I dont know… Im obsessing again. I just want to feel pretty……. I shouldnt blame my mother… I know when I started gaining. I was in 4th grade. It when was my parents separated. My dad moved back in with his mom, my gram. And her house was junk food heaven. My dad didnt really spend any time with us, so… I ate. To fill all kinds of voids. Im just mad that neither of them stopped it. But when I got older, it just got to the point of disease vs. a small problem that my parents could help. My mom would buy so many snacks for my younger sister and brother. They were thin. They ate whatever they wanted. So should I blame genetics now? I got the short end of the stick there! Ugh… I just want to be Tabbatha. Not just the girl with the pretty face. I HATE when people say that… “Oh you have such a pretty face!” Yah? Well what about the rest of me… Its too attrocious to comment on… I get it. Omg… what is this blog!?

Im going to workout…….

Have tons of homework.

So much going on in life……. meh.

Im having a lot of trouble finding this happy medium. My appetite is completely gone and I dont eat more than 300 cals a day. Its only been two days though, so well see what I can do. Shittttyyy…

Off to do homework!
XX

Two things about my newest little pill friend; One- It makes me SO ridiculously focused. I cleaned my entire house, top to bottom, every room, dishes, laundry, etc. I ended up not having enough time for my homework, but thats next on the list. If I didnt have ADD, the effect of the Adderall would make me basically act like I were on speed. I didnt clean like a weirdo, crazy person… I was calm, collected, focused. It was really weird!!! It felt really good to just be in control FINALLY! Two- Mr. Adderall makes me not hungry AT ALL. I literally forgot to eat today. I was so busy, that I just didnt think about it. And why did I not think about it? Because Adderall makes your appetite basically non-existant. SO! Whatever. I had some roasted veggies. One of my faves… And I had to force myself to eat a protein bar. DEFINITELY not enough calories. I dont want to play this game again. I just want a happy fucking medium. I want to workout when I can, eat right, indulge sometimes, and maintain a healthy weight! But noooooooo… GRRR!!!

On another positive note, I am *almost* better and can breathe again. No more sickness please!!! Oh and for all who inquired… Ugh… I totally dont want to admit this, BUT… I ate about half a bag of SmartFood. The big bag. I didnt eat much else yesterday, so cals wise I was still fine, but gross. Not on the agenda… 800 calories from popcorn, covered in some fake cheesey shit. Not ok.

Off to find the happy medium………… Night all!
XX

And I sit here, telling myself that because I went to bed at 630 tonight, and woke up at 11, that its OK to eat something because Im hungry. I need to go cook some chicken and make it more accessible. Dammmmmmiiittt. I feel like shit now.

Tomorrow is a new day? I HATE saying that over and over. Oh well, at least Ill be getting my workout on. I found some new tunes to jam to! New music always makes me workout more/harder/better! Yay for that!!!

Goodnight again.
xx

Im obsessing. And I cant stop.